Hunter R. Thompson

Joining the Hard Drive article writers' team in 2019 was my first experience writing comedically for a broad audience. Jeremy et al. taught me how to work alongside editors, milk creativity out of an otherwise "strict" format, and mingle my personal sense of funny with the goals of a broader project voice.

(Full body of work for Hard Drive available here.)
Hard Drive •

Update: Attack You Landed in 2012 Dark Souls Invasion Just Registered

TOKYO — After more than 11 years of review and deliberation since you pressed L2, the Dark Souls peer-to-peer connection master relay at Bandai Namco Inc. headquarters has determined that, yes, you did land that heavy attack on that guy after all, sources confirmed.

“So he’s standing perfectly still, and I hit him square with the overhead slash on the Zweihander,” you complained to a friend on Xbox Live the day that you performed the attack, according to reports. “And it just phases right throu
Hard Drive •

Guy Telling Parents About Date Clearly Just Describing Pigeon from ‘Hatoful Boyfriend’

PORTLAND, Maine — Local loner Darin Youseman’s story about a date he went on with his boyfriend last Friday was quickly determined by witnesses to actually be about Yuuya Sakazaki, a flirty upperclassman and fantail pigeon from the visual novel series Hatoful Boyfriend.

“He’s an experienced world traveler, stably employed… I think his allegiance to the pacifists in the Dove Party is a little centrist and naive, but hold on hold on — mmmm, mrom, dish ish rullhy good,” Youseman reportedly said, e
Hard Drive •

Teenager Emerges From 40-Minute Video Essay With Brand New Personality

BEAVERCREEK, Ohio — Concerned friends report that local high schooler Ricky Dunleavy, 16, has completely reinvented himself aesthetically and ideologically after spending sixth period watching a video essay on his phone.

“I thought I understood Ricky! We were soulmates for a few weeks, and I thought I knew his heart,” said Alison Toole, who was the first to notice Dunleavy’s sudden personality shift. “But then he shows up to class talking in this sotto radio voice about, like, the often-overloo
Hard Drive •

Sadistic UI Designer Buries Subtitle Option in Crevice of Random Menu

TORONTO — Dark-hearted UI designer Arnold Wright has reportedly placed the subtitle toggle for the upcoming game Lords of Nightshadow in the deepest, most inaccessible crevice of one of the game’s dozens of obscure pause menu subscreens, according to anonymous sources familiar with the development.

“The subtitle setting could have gone under ‘audio,’ of course, but that’s far too easy to find, and I’m not some cheap hack,” said Wright, muttering to himself at his desk as he bumped down the menu
Hard Drive •

RPG Player Unsure Whether Their Character Would Say “Of Course!” or “Sure Thing!”

MISSOURI CITY, Texas — Hesitant to make the wrong decision and potentially impact something in the game’s story later on, local gamer Diana Russell is reportedly unsure whether her Fallout 4 player character should accept a required story quest with an enthusiastic “Of course!” or a confident “Sure thing!”

“Obviously the great hero of the Commonwealth’s personality in conversation must be a huge plot element of the game, so the different potential outcomes here could be crucial,” Russell said,
Hard Drive •

Casual Gamer Can't Even Beat First Stage of Grief

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Twenty-eight year old Liam Glasser, secretly loathed by his friends and loved ones for failing to make meaningful progress in video games, is unable to even overcome the first stage of grieving for his late childhood guinea pig, close sources report.

“Listen, I’m a busy guy, okay?” Glasser said, defending his lack of progress through Denial. “I’ve got important shit to occupy myself worrying about. I’m not like all these no-lifer hardcore grievers who can breeze through the

Team Fortress 2 Classic Logo designed by Nassim "NassimO" Sadoun. Based on designs by Valve Software.

Writing for EMINOMA's Team Fortress 2 Classic mod project challenges me to mimic the Marc Laidlaw writing voice that gave the original 2007 game its iconic wit, from in-character update pages to combat barks and quippy interface text.

tf2classic.com •

TF2 Classic - Double Down

Business is Booming!



Thanks to a world tour of billion-dollar backroom deals, and the depreciated property values caused by years of mass murder, the Civilian is well on his way to becoming the richest man on Earth. Only one thing can stand in his way — a miserable upstart who stands to destroy everything Mr. Jenkins has built.

It's... Mr. Jenkins?! But they have so much in common! This must be a terrible misunderstanding. The wheels of inter-corporate diplomacy sp...
tf2classic.com •

TF2 Classic - Fight or Flight

Engineers can now switch out their Teleporters for two Jump Pads! Instead of being disassembled and reassembled on the atomic level, teammates can super-jump into battle, covering the same kind of height and distance you'd expect from a perfect rocket jump. One-way drops are now two-way opportunities, explosive jumpers' shortcuts are now valid flank routes, and "I can't focus on keeping my Teleporters up!" is now a piss-poor excuse not to play Engineer.

Engineers can now switch out their Telepo...
tf2classic.com •

TF2 Classic - Death & Taxes

VIP (or "Escort", for old-timers) is a heart-racing mode focused around a new playable class, the Civilian. The Civilian has no combat training, is four-feet-ten on a good day, won't appear anywhere except VIP mode, and wouldn't even staff his Northampton horse ranch with filth like you, but by God, can he capture points.


BLU is tasked with escorting the Civilian to the end of the map through a series of control points only he can capture (you just aren't quite important enough)....

Misc.

Other published web articles.
TechRaptor •

When It Comes To Cosmetics, Hero Shooters Can Learn from Team Fortress 2

Hero shooters -- games built around a roster of distinct "hero" characters, and the way they interact, as opposed to interchangeable soldiers and thugs -- are a game genre in their peak. They fall under a wide umbrella, one that includes everything from class-based tactical shooters to MOBA-likes. One thing that unites these diverse games, though, is a now-familiar style of player customization: You can trick out your hero in one of a handful of pre-assembled “skins,” full-body remodels of the b
100 Word Gaming Reviews •

Watch Dogs: Legion

London’s gone to pot, but it’s Ubisoft what gone and did it, oy!

Like the other games, Watch Dogs: Legion sees hacktivists “DedSec” fight techno-fascism. No protagonists this time; you can “play as anyone.” But it’s a waste! Contractors get drones, hitmen get guns. Why recruit anyone else?

Without a real story, DedSec “liberates districts” like in all sandboxes, yawn. London’s like a decorative MMO overworld without dungeons; stores lack interiors, AI’s shoddy, civvies ignore crimes. Broad str